


Habor a love for things that don't exist

by popcultbby10



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force-Sensitive Reader, Jealousy, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren is Not Nice, Miscommunication, Not A Reylo Fic, Oneshot, Reader Has Issues, References to Depression, Supreme Leader Kylo Ren, and the rise of skywalker, based between the last jedi, first work lol, kylo/reader based, spoilers maybe ?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:40:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23370337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/popcultbby10/pseuds/popcultbby10
Summary: this is my first work pls be nicethe title is taken from "Cement" by Nicole dollanganger, give it a listen to really enhance the mood of this.
Relationships: Kylo Ren & Reader, Kylo Ren & Rey, Kylo Ren/You
Kudos: 3





	Habor a love for things that don't exist

**Author's Note:**

> Im bad at punctuation and formats, u get what u get. pls leave comments and feedback. i cried writing this

Every night I have the same dream, a broken record in my mind. Its torture. Like it’s not even a cool dream. I try to replay the events after I wake up but it seems to disappear and all I have left is the feeling of dread and pain. Something bad happened there, I just can’t figure out what. 

Silence nothing but just the sound of dead space. I woke up covered in sweat, scared out of my mind. He wouldn’t do this, he’d never do this to me? I don’t remember the dream, just the feelings stick onto me like a fucking leech. 

Still in bed, I sit up and cover my eyes. My palms pressing into my eyes. “God… why me?” Why am I having these dreams? I lost my position earlier this month, only working on small paper work tasks. No longer a general, I doubt that was even a real title for me. They all know I’m his favorite, the only one on board to get Ren’s special attention. Like a little teacher's pet. He loves me, there’s no reason to worry over silly dreams. I can feel tears threaten to fall and bile rising up my throat. The overwhelming feeling of hope washing over me, I let the tears flow. 

The fluorescent lighting makes my eyes bleed. “Hmm?” surprised I looked over, a new face. Her makeup caked into her skin. “Who here wears makeup?” i thought to myself. She looked back at me, waiting for an answer. “I asked what you said, didn’t you hear me?” first of all, way too energetic for me. This is the death star or whatever ship, too many to keep track.   
“I feel like shit.” i replied back, zero energy. I can’t even remember when my nights turn into days, I’ve been living on autopilot. The room felt stiff, guess I soured the mood. My eyes literally felt like they're melting as I stared back. I couldn’t be bothered to even hear what she said to me when walking out. The humming and eventual cracking of the lights soothed me in the weirdest way. Swallowing hard, I took 3 neon blue pills, The First Order brand of course. It’s the highest strength available, I remember the day I got them. The nurses told me a normal person would die if they took the amount I did regularly. “Normal” I wonder what that's like? 

“My name!” what felt like seconds passing was actually hours. I fixed my hair as I looked up to reply, “yes?” It felt like I waited an eternity before receiving the answer, “Supreme Leader would like to speak with you immediately.” It felt like I was in heaven, excitement washed over and numbed me. I nodded while trying to hold back my smile and hurriedly walked into the restroom chambers to fix my appearance. “Have to look the best for him” I mumbled to myself. Dark circles so bad they looked like bruises. 

Walking through the dark interior, and down the hallway to his chambers felt painfully long. I felt a whoosh of air hit me before I could even knock. His presence was so strong I could feel myself slipping away, I wondered if he could feel me. If my presence could be felt against the beast that was his. My voice sounded softer than I wanted, “you called for me?” I put on my best expression, filled with promise and sweetness. The sheer pressure of his force was so strong, it was like the room was vibrating. I could feel his eyes on me, “I can see through you Ren.” I didn’t need to talk, just think and he would hear me.

“Your chambers have been moved closer to my ward, It appears you need more supervision than we anticipated.” he said to me robotically, devoid of emotion. “No work was submitted today? If you can not complete a simple task you can expect a change in your position again.”   
These weren’t the words I wanted to hear. I wanted warmth, the love he had shared in the past. I needed it, our warmth is all I need and god, have I gotten so cold. 

“Be realistic.” thats is. I couldn't hold it any longer. “I know what you're doing to me…” I whispered. “You don’t love me anymore, so your planting fucking night terrors in my brain. You’re doing this to me!” i could feel myself becoming less calm and more erratic, my voice grew louder until it was all I could hear.   
“You want me to waste away on these,these pills! So you can go run away with that girl. She’s not even important, just a scavenger.” Sometime during my outburst he had taken the mask off, his honey eyes staring hard back at me.

“Don’t do this, she doesn't mean anything. You know this already.” his deep voice said back, as he slowly wrapped himself around me. Becoming one, my body perfectly molding with his. We stayed like this for a while, so close I could feel his heartbeat. “You’ll be moved into my chambers, I wouldn't want anything to happen.” His tone felt wrong, his voice wasn’t honey sweet, it felt cold like how your throat feels before throwing up sick. It contradicted his current position of holding me. Weird how something can feel so safe and yet dangerous. 

Despite moving into his chambers, this didn’t mean sleeping in the same bed. I was put in a guest room within his own. “Shit” I thought, this is furnished better than the dorms. For a guest room, it’s pretty spacious. I even get a window, yay me. I couldn’t feel Ren, he must’ve been working on the other side of the ship. For a split second I felt relief and could truly relax. 

The humming of deep space lulled me to sleep, the first time without sedatives. It was dark and cold, I could feel it in my bones. Something was wrong, very wrong. I could see two figures, they got closer together, connecting at the mouth. Who are these people? I realized this is the part I always forget. As soon as the figures became clear my heart dropped. I couldn’t believe it, Kylo was kissing her. The scavenger girl was kissing him, it was the things lovers should be doing. 

The pain in my chest grew and grew, I woke up screaming. You would’ve thought someone shot me. He entered the room, frantic trying to help. I couldn’t stop, just a combination of sobs and yelling. I tried to push myself into the farthest section of the bed. He was trying to shush me, his words tripping over each other into sweet nothings.

My voice was harsh and broken “How could you? It wasn’t a dream, it was real. And you’re hurting me. That night you told me I was your star, it was love and now, now I- I don’t know what this is.” Heartbroken. The worst pain I’ve ever felt and he wasn’t even listening, just trying to distract me with love words. His arms were never my home and his love will never be mine. 

Ren stopped trying to console me, the daily check ins stopped, I was moved into a room no bigger than a closet. I wouldn’t say we grew apart, when we were never even part of each other to begin with. Just two people who shared intimacy, who were in the same place at the same time. This was never right. If I could go back to that day I wish I could’ve asked for death instead.

I never saw Ren after that night, I still wonder if he can feel my presence or if he buried me down into the back of his brain.


End file.
